So today, I wait to see if I will get the results of the bone scan and cat scan. I'll admit to being a little anxious about this. Regardless, I really have been able for the most part to look at this BC adventure as evidence of the fact that "I am not a body". That is a major premise of A Course in Miracles, which I have been studying for many years now.....one of the most life transforming things I have ever done. The course teaches you that you are a spiritual being in a temporary body, and that everything you consider to be true is something someone taught you. In reality, your own inner truth is the only real truth, and that comes from God. It reminds you that you in fact, create your own life by your belief systems, and you can choose to live in fear, or live in joy, just by changing your thoughts. So it would seem that this is an opportunity to put that to the test. BC certainly isn't a fun thing - but within this experience are sure to be opportunities for growth. Countless cancer patients have discovered that in the long run, but I'm trying to start my journey with that in mind.
The biggest thing for me is that I've come to a place where I need to compromise on my beliefs of alternative medicine over western medicine. I swore I would never do chemo, which I have always viewed as far more beneficial to the pharmaceutical companies profit margins than real peoples health. Perhaps this is a way for me to see that nothing (and no one) in and of itself is bad. Even things that are good can be used in bad ways, and vice versa. While I started this journey in hopes that alternative, natural medicine and spiritual cleansing could take care of this, the tipping point came a few weeks ago, when I realized that triple negative BC is so much more virulent than others. Not sure how I missed that. But I am so very grateful for the 8 weeks I had doing extensive Eastern Medicine. I believe everything happens for a reason - and I have no doubt that put me in the best place possible to help me face the ordeal I have ahead. I had some amazing and powerful experiences during that time.
Since day one, I have been at peace, and not been fearful, again ACIM (A course in miracles) in action. I don't fear, nor believe in death - I believe our spirit is eternal. That said, I'm very content with staying on this earth plane, and feel I have much to do. My big thing is that I want to live well, and not be sick all the time. So my objective in this will be to get all the treatment over with so I can live fully in a physical way. And my challenge will be to live fully in a spiritual way even during the treatment.
Right now my plan is to do chemo, but probably not as much as the doctors would like, and not do radiation. But the results of the scans, and the surgery (if nodes are involved) may alter those choices. I should say now that I truly believe that alternative therapies can cure cancer. Often, however, it's a slower process. And unfortunately, alternative therapies are expensive as they're not covered by insurance. Also, you have to weigh the risk you take by giving the cancer time to spread, and having a bigger mess to clean up. I will continue with Qigong and accupuncture along with my treatments (they greatly reduce the affects and the toxicity of chemo). In the meantime, I will do my best to see the "good" in western medicine, and stop viewing it as this pharmaceutical monster trying to get rich at the expense of fearful weakened people. The course would say nothing is "wrong" only that everyone has a different perspective. Clearly, I need to change my perspective. If I'm going to put toxins in my body - I had better have the perspective that good will come of it.
Much to do today - trying to prepare for surgery and recovery when i can't do some things. Hopefully get some painting done. The other day, I did a few BC paintings. The gallery is having a show with a fall theme, and since Oct. is BC month, I thought it might even be a bit cathardic to do some themed pieces. Each one has a Chinese symbol on it. The symbols say "Healing", "Spirit" and "Breast".
I've included some images.
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